Tonight, well ok the last 48 hours or so have been hard. I recently found out from Alex that he and a friend are talking again.
(Shocking I know!…please sense the sarcasm at myself.)
Anyway, you’d think this would be no big deal but reality is for me it IS a big deal. It’s a big deal because both this friend and Alex are friendly and open and naturally “bubbly” personality wise. Which means to me, it often feels like its “flirty” even when everyone else is staring at me and thinking “WTF is your problem woman?!” So I’m struggling.
Bad memories trigger at the weirdest times and for the weirdest reasons. Alex and I, we HAVE been doing well so long as you take the “baby” debate out of the equation. So its frustrating to have this ROAR of doubt and fear and just general anxiety bubble up inside me the second certain relationships crop up. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to Alex and his friend…its not fair but reality is the anxieties do pop up and I can’t stop it.
{On a total tangent - just to clarify – when I say I want children and he doesn’t neither of us are referring to right here and now. I’m referring to this lifetime and so is he. So no kids will be procreated unless 1. we’re both on board and 2. our marriage is strong and stable. Just sayin.}
I talked to Alex about it a little last night and I ended up crying as I explained to him that truly and honestly if he EVER feels like he wants to flirt with other women, if he ever feels like he emotionally wants a “break” then please just tell me. Give me the chance to walk away because I will. To his credit he stared at me like I was nuts, reassured me and then cuddled me before badgering me into eating. (I don’t eat when I’m stressed.) So in all reality he’s doing everything right and I’m just stuck in a rut. No one’s fault…it just is. I don’t think I could ever live through that kind of revelation again because I STILL don’t have confidence in me back yet. Its getting there. The job thing was HUGE for me. But the fear that “one day” will happen is also still there and it’s NOT there because of any current situations or anything like that. No its there because I’m still fighting demons.
So yea – the last 48 hours have been a bitch and I’m just kind of stuck in the mud. I’m trying to be excited about Monday but between old demons and nerves I’m stuck. Damn emotions.
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Just sayin’